


can't bring herself to

by kirkwaltz (orphan_account)



Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: Angst, F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-27 01:19:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5028130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/kirkwaltz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vette can make a list of the things she hates.</p>
            </blockquote>





	can't bring herself to

Vette hates how silent the Fury is at all times of the day. It's not quiet – no, that would be much different than silence. The air is practically brimming with anger and hatred and pain, those sorts of things you'd feel in the air at the Sith Academy, or on Dromund Kaas, or somewhere where they'd actually fit. Here, on a ship that should be filled with happy people who care about each other?

They aren't happy, though, and they don't really care about each other at all. Far from it.

When was the last time Vette smiled, the last time she laughed, the last time she made a joke that wasn't in an attempt to make the people in this crew laugh? She can't remember. Not for a long time.

(At least, it feels like a long time.)  
  
  
Vette hates how Quinn looks at her when he really shouldn't be, like when he's standing next to his wife and the two of them aren't exactly talking but they're still breathing in unison and Vette hates it.

The sad thing is that the Emperor's Wrath is her best friend, like a sister to her, when nobody else has ever been. Yes, she has Tivva. Yes, she has Jaesa. But Tivva is off doing stuff Vette hears about once a month and Jaesa is always too busy meditating to care about Vette's troubles.

(It seems like she's always busy, but she's never to busy for the Wrath.)  
  
  
Vette hates how she can't sleep without thinking about how much different this ship used to be, back before Quinn betrayed them, back before they killed Baras.

Before Vette realized just how fragile these friendships were.

It seems like Broonmark isn't even really there, and Pierce is only there when somebody needs him to be. Jaesa stands at the Wrath's side at all times, as they try harder to turn the Empire into a beacon of light in the galaxy, something that Quinn gives his thoughts on when he thinks of a good idea.

There's no place for somebody like Vette in this crew.

(She'd leave, but she can't bring herself to.)  
  
  
Vette hates the way that the S.I.S. agent addresses her, treating her like she's some child who should still be in a nursery. She tells him that she isn't too young to be on a battlefield when there's so much going on. She hates how the Wrath shakes her head and asks him to stop, tells him to _respect_ her, and how Quinn and Lana Beniko watch her as though she's so brave to do this. It might be curiosity on Lana Beniko's part, but Vette isn't sure.

But the agent doesn't apologize, just starts keeping an eye on Vette, as if maybe there's something about her that he doesn't quite understand, because she stuck up for herself.

She isn't sure if that's a good thing.

Later he tells her about the Twi'lek girl he thinks of as a sister, Teff'ith, and how Vette reminds him of her. How, for a split second, he almost imagined it was her and not Vette.

She forgives him and hopes she doesn't regret it, because he could be lying and he might slip up again.

(But she never regrets forgiving people, ever.)  
  
  
Vette hates how, in the past three years, Quinn has gone from hating the sight of her to... well, whatever it is that he feels about her, because she cannot quite place the feelings he has for her. She thinks he might love her but then again, he's married, and she's wondering if she's invisible to the rest of the crew.

She'd laugh if he was in love with her. It'd be as if she'd won. Not that they were playing any sort of a game, but sometimes, it feels like they always have been.

But the Wrath has noticed the look in his eyes and how Vette isn't exactly feeling the same. Vette doesn't think she loves him back, doesn't think that she ever has or ever will. Quinn is quite attractive, but not her type.

Except she knows in the back of her mind that she's just telling herself that, in a way. Even though she can't make sense of her feelings. She never has been able to.

(She's starting to hate emotions.)  
  
  
Vette hates the look on Jaesa's face, the terror on Quinn's face, the frozen scream on her lips when they learn of the Wrath's disappearance, her death. The fact that she's gone. She won't come back. Vette hates the tears streaming down her cheeks, hates the horror reflecting on her face when she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror.

She wants that frozen scream to come out.

(It does – of course it does.)  
  
  
But, honestly, the thing she hates the most is that she doesn't think she will ever forgive herself, while she waits five years and tries to help that S.I.S. agent find the Wrath. While she talks to Tivva once a month like nothing's happened. While she sees Quinn every once in a while and lets him act like he doesn't know her, or if he did, it was in a bygone life. Pierce is somewhere, Jaesa is on Korriban, Broonmark has returned to Hoth.

And yet she can't make herself stop looking for the Wrath.

And yet she can't stop trying to prove she's still out there somewhere.

Even though the Wrath would've wanted her to leave it behind, recognize that she isn't coming back. 

Because she won't.


End file.
